My room smells like vodka and shame
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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