i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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