Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
