I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
