She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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