he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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