Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
