only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Houston, we have a blender
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
