Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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