I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
