Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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