the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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