Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I am midnight drunk by noon
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
