I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
