Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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