Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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