I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
