im having a threesome with these popsicles
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
