i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
