it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
