What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
