Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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