My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize