Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
