when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
