i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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