she looked like the bat from fern gully.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
