Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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