He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
