There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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