addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
