as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
