Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
