i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I cut my penus on the lid.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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