tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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