I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my being single is dangerous.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
