True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
