all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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