I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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