All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
