Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
