he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
