Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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