the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
two words...techno handjob
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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