Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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