I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
there is glitter all over my balls
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
