I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
