Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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