I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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