The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
