I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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