I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
