Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I'm really busy with my period
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