let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
