Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ok first of all what the fuck
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
