TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
