party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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