Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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